In the works

Chapter 1

You know that saying, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?” Well, fuck that. Fuck all of that bull. Do you not realize that you have to have ice, sugar, and water? What if you don’t have either one of those ingredients? I understand it’s a saying, but still. You could be homeless with no access to water or sugar. I feel as if someone hands you lemons, that’s all you’re stuck with. A sickly sour, bright yellow piece of citrus fruit. Psh, make lemonade my ass. What about if you’re stuck with a new born and a house that are only yours by default? I didn’t ask for this, not intentionally, but I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I signed those papers for my sister. Nowhere on those sheets did it say my sister would…well. I don’t like saying the “D” word.

Yeah about that. Never drive drunk, EVER! Please for the love of god, if you plan to get wasted, have a designated driver. PLEASE! You will never know what damage it can cause until it happens to you or a loved one.

Marina was such a happy person. I’ll never forget her laugh, how she could throw a right hook, or when she told me she was pregnant. She hooked up with a guy she worked with and when he found out the news, he married her quicker than I could take a shower.

“We’re married!” Marina and Brian yelled.

“So soon? You didn’t want to wait?” I asked sipping my beer. I met them at a small bar around the corner from my apartment. When Marina called, she was out of breath and barley could tell me where to go before she hung up.

“Well, why not? I mean we’re having a baby and Brian makes me happy,” she snuggled into Brian’s side and looked up to his face; his eyes met hers, “You make me happy too baby.” I rolled my eyes.

“I guess cheers to the newlyweds,” I raised my beer bottle as did Brian and Marina with her cranberry juice.

I’ll never forget when Marina was just days away from her due date and how she tried bribing me into sneaking her a shot of vodka. She was crazy, hormones and all. When the doctor put her on bed rest, I thought I was going to kill her. No seriously, if you have ever dealt with a woman on bed rest, I give props to you.

“Damn it Zac, how many fucking times do I have to repeat myself!” Marina screamed from the rocking chair in the new nursery, “the princess tiara goes on the dresser, not the changing table!”

“Calm down mom-zilla. I put it there so I wouldn’t knock it over. Jeez, take a chill pill,” I turned around to move the crib in its new place when something small hit my head. “What the hell-did you just throw a baby shoe at me?”

“That’s for telling me to calm down! I only have a few more days until this baby comes out and everything has to be perfect,” she said rubbing her large belly.

“Honey, why don’t you go lay down for a bit. I’m sure Zac and I can finish here, that way when you wake up, you’ll be surprised.” Marina exhaled and very slowly got up out of the chair. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m just so excited and scared at the same time, what if I’m a horrible mom?” I could see her eyes start to turn glassy when Brian walked over to my sister and caressed her cheek. “You will be the best mom that our daughter will ever have. Besides, with me and Zac to protect her, nothing bad will happen,” he kissed her ever so tenderly and wiped away a tear, “I love you Marina Scott. Now go lay down.” She looked into Bran’s eyes with so much love that I envied what they had.

The day Sophia was born is a night I’ll never forget. It was Halloween and I was at a party down in Fells Point judging a wet t-shirt contest. Cliché I know, but it was strangely warmer this fall then it has been in the past.

“Alright ladies, you will take turns pouring water on yourselves and our fellow judges will pick winners from third to first. Annabelle, you’re up first!” Six girls were lined up, standing on top of a bar packed to the brim. My buddies always ask me to judge these stupid contests every year since we could legally drink, and every year the winner always seemed to end up in my bed. I was eyeing up the fourth girl whose name was Roslyn. I could tell she was going to be the winner, with a rack like that, these other girls didn’t have a chance. If you didn’t wear a bra you got extra points, one year a chick had a tattoo on her nipple and you could see every detail. When all the girls were soaked and we could see all their cash and prizes, it was time to pick a winner.

“OK Guys, let’s pick a first place winner. Zac, who’s your pick?”

I looked in Roslyn’s direction and gave her a wink, “Roslyn.” I heard my buddy Matt smack the table, “What! Hell no, Annabelle looks like a sex goddess up there. How the hell could you pass up that figure?” Then Sean who was sitting next to him said “No, Amanda has a body tattoo, she gets extra points. You boys are still too focused on body image these days.”

The announcer looked at all three of us and rolled his eyes, “Alright gentlemen, now these ladies have been waiting patiently, pick a damn winner so they can change. They’re obviously cold,” he winked at the girls, who didn’t seem to mind the many pairs of eyes looking at them. What these guys didn’t notice was that one girl was the overall winner because she has her nipples pierced. Matt and Sean focus too much on size and what’s underneath but I could see. I cleared my throat and stood up, “Well I’m standing by who I chose,” I walked closer to the last group of girls and put my hands on Roslyn’s shoulders; she smelled of vanilla and rain, “What you men fail to realize is, she has already won. If you look at her left breast you will see a little bump by her nipple. May I?” I picked up another pitcher of water and gestured it towards her chest. Roslyn smiled and leaned close to whisper in my ear, “Only if I can experience what it’s like to be on top of the one and only Zac Robins.” She kissed my cheek before she pulled away. Now I don’t usually blush but when a woman comes onto a man, that’s a different story. I poured the water over her already wet shirt and waited for the guys to take a closer look. “Behold douchebags, she is pierced!”

“No, fucking way! How did you know?” Matt shouted. I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall, “It’s not hard to miss. I’ve seen enough tits to know what a piercing looks like.”

After taking a taxi home and shoving my tongue down Roslyn’s throat for the tenth time that night, we ended up right where I wanted her. She was on her knees sucking my cock while I held her hair to the side of her head. Jeez this girl knew her way around a dick.

“Mm, fuck that feels amazing,” I tugged her hair a little harder.

She slurped and let go with a pop of her lips, “Now lay back.”

BUZZ

My phone has been vibrating for the past half hour. I’m too busy to answer it so I throw it on the nightstand and lean back. Roslyn climbed on top and went to town, giving me the full uncovered view of her nipple piercings. They spell out LOVE with her nipple taking place of the “O”, clever. Before I could finish there was a pounding on my door.

“Who the hell is that?” Roslyn asks.

“No idea,” my breathing was ragged. I tried to move Roslyn off when she clamped her legs tight around my waist, “Uh uh, I don’t think so. We’re not done here.”

The knock came again, more desperate than the first.

“Excuse me but, the last time I checked, I lived here.” She didn’t like that so much.

“Fucking asshole! How dare you talk to me like that!”

“Oh don’t flatter yourself sweetheart, you wanna be a bitch, you can see your way out!” I’ve never seen a girl get dressed so quick. I pulled on my fleece pajama bottoms and followed her out to the living room, “I can’t believe I wasted my night with someone like you. Ugh, I need a shower.” I gave a heavy sigh and walked towards the door and swung it open almost hitting a cop in the face.

“Is there a problem here?” The cop said eyeing Roslyn with her hair in tangles and makeup smeared.

“Unless you can arrest someone for being an asshole,” Roslyn said getting her shoes backs on.

“Sorry ma ’me but I need to speak with Zachariah Robins, so if this isn’t a domestic dispute I’m asking you to leave.” Roslyn looked back and pouted then started down the hall. I looked at the cop confused, “What’s up?”

“Are you Zachariah Robins?”

“Yes sir. Please why are you here?” I asked. The cop took off his policemen’s hat and said the words that changed my world forever.

“I’m sorry Mr. Robins but, there was an accident.”

                                          ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hospitals. A place of death and sickness. A place of sorrow and sadness. A place where I never want to step foot in again. A place where I will never erase from my memory. Brian and Marina were on their way to the hospital because she was having contractions and coming off the 295 exit a car driving at an excessive amount of speed t-boned them. Brain was pronounced dead at the scene but Marina held on as long as she could like the strong woman she is.

“Please let me see my sister!” I shouted in the cold hallway. Nurses and doctors kept holding me back every time I tried to go through the operating room doors.

“I’m sorry sir but you cannot go back there. Please for the sake of your sister, stay in the waiting room and the doctor will come get you.” I pushed one last time until I collapsed on the floor.

 I’ve only cried twice in my life time. Once when I found out Santa Claus wasn’t real and a second time when our father died. But this time, this took the last piece of happiness I had in my heart. Marina and I have been inseparable since she was a baby. When the kids at school would pick on her I would put sand in their hair. We would sneak out as pre-teens to the park up the street just to get out and say we snuck out past curfew. A very fond memory of mine was when Marina was dating this douchebag in high school and when he tried being rough with her I didn’t even have to punch him in the face. I was a proud brother that day. I taught her how to throw a left hook and if all else fails, a nice kick in the balls will suffice. When we got older and started asking questions like any curious child does, dad told us our mother suffered with cervical cancer when she was pregnant with Marina and when she was born there were difficulties and she died shortly after. I was only twelve months at the time so I didn’t really know her either, but I still got to experience a mother’s love. Marina never got the chance to be held by our mother. What I heard from our dad was that she was a caring, strong woman and she loved the family she helped create. I could tell that Marina was looking forward to having this baby so she can experience what she couldn’t with our mother. That unbreakable bond that mothers and daughters have. Now my mind is racing, will she have that too? Will she get to hold her baby, or see her open her eyes and cry for the first time.

“The baby,” I whispered, “Where’s the baby?” A nurse that was coming down the hall spotted me and kneeled down to my level.

“Are you Zachariah Robins?” I nodded.

“Please come with me,” she held her hand out but I just couldn’t bring myself to stand. “I insist.”

I closed my eyes. Inhale. Exhale. My face was drenched from the tears, so like any man I lifted my shirt to wipe them away.

“Are you taking me to see my sister?” I stood up and looked into the nurse’s eyes, “I’m sorry but I don’t have any news about her, I do however have news about your niece.” My heart jumped into my throat and I thought I would suffocate. The nurse must have seen the reaction on my face because she smiled a sad smile and took my hand, “Come on Mr. Robins, I’ll show you.” Her hand was so soft, and warm. She guided me to the elevator and hit the button for the fifth floor. The elevator ride was the longest ride in my life. My knees felt like they wanted to collapse again but I knew I had to stay strong, for Marina’s sake. And Sophia’s. When the doors opened I could hear numerous women’s yelps and groans. I tried my best to block it out but I could tell the wall was going to crash down, until we came to a quiet wing. There was no noise except for the small little squeaks and coo’s coming from a white room lined wall to wall with tiny bassinets.

“Mr. Robins-“

“Zac. Just call me Zac.”

“Zac, I’d like to introduce you to little miss Sophia.” The air left my lungs, tears started in my eyes and a sob left my lips, “She’s Beautiful.”

Swaddled in a pink blanket was a very calm baby who was looking around the room with curious eyes. The nurse leaned and picked up the baby who never took her eyes off of me.

“Would you like to hold her?” She asked.

“No…yes, sorry I can’t wrap my brain around this right now.”

She smiled and guided me to a rocker in the corner, “this is mostly for the nurses to help fussy babies but, in these situations we like to break the rules a little,” she winked. Once I was settled in the chair, she gently placed the baby in my arms.

“Am I doing this right?” I asked the nurse. She smiled and nodded.

“Just support her head,” she adjusted my arm and I took a deeper look at the baby. Two pink puckered lips and chubby cheeks; the spitting image of Marina. I stared amazed at the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. I pulled the blanket away from her face and trailed my finger over her cheek. She looked right at me and it felt like she was looking straight through my soul.

“Hey baby girl,” I cooed. Her tiny hand popped out of the swaddling and grabbed my pinky, “is this how babies say hello? We’ll make this our secret hand shake, how would you like?” Sophia squealed and started wiggling like a worm.

“You have the prettiest blue eyes, yes you do,”

“All babies have blue eyes when their born,” the nurse in the doorway said.

I shook my head, “No, she’ll have blue eyes, it’s a Robins trait that can’t be canceled out.”

“Blue, like a Robins egg,” she snapped her fingers. I winked at her and felt the side of my mouth turn up.

“Well isn’t she a lively little thing?” Another nurse came into the room and stood with her arms crossed.

“She sure is. If she’s anything like her mom she won’t hold still for long,” suddenly it was like a rubber band was snapped and I remembered the horror of what is to come of Marina.

“Marina,” I whispered, “Please, take me to my sister.” The nurse just darted her eyes away from me as if she already knew what was going on. The baby started to squirm more and the nurse came towards me, “Sir we will take good care of your niece until you return. The doctor needs to see you.” I looked at the baby one more time and kissed her small soft forehead and handed her over.

Going back down to the ER was like riding the elevator to hell. When I walked off a doctor approached me, “Are you Marina Scott’s brother?” The doctor was a middle aged man wearing blue scrubs, holding a clip board, “I need to speak to you in private please,” he gestured to an empty room to his right.

The next few moments passed in slow motion. Words like “complications,” “punctured lungs,” “doesn’t have long,” and “say your goodbye” were passed around a few times. It felt as if I was under water and nothing sounded clear. Next thing I knew I was walking into the room where Marina was. She lie still with a white sheet pulled under her arms so the IV’s that once were present could be accessed. The only piece of tubing that was left was to monitor a heart rate.  Her eyes were closed. She had a bandage covering her left eye, a huge gash starting from her neck where the seat belt tried to hold her and her lips were starting to turn blue.

“My baby sister,” I whispered and touched her hand. The beeps from the machine was the soundtrack to my worst nightmare. A dark reminder of the time she had left. A light sob left my lips and I fell to my knees still holding her hand.

“Please don’t take her,” I prayed. I wasn’t a church going person but I believed the big man upstairs still listened regardless.

“Why does it have to be her? Why bless her with a daughter if she can’t…live?” Hot tears pricked my eyes and I tried blinking them away but I just couldn’t. I kissed her hand which still felt warm and looked at her.

“Marina, please. I can’t lose you, I…what am I going to do?” Just then I felt a small twitch between my fingers.

“Mare? Can you hear me?” She squeezed again. “Do you know where you are?” another squeeze. She tried talking but it came out garbled.

“Don’t talk,” my voice cracked. She tried again but this time her voice came out in a low whisper, “S…Sophie.” I gave her a sad smile and kissed her hand.

“Sophie’s okay,” She grinned the best she could, making her lips crack, “She’s beautiful Marina.” I took a deep breath and started describing Sophia to my sister. A tear came down her cheek and I reached to wipe it away.

“Za…Zac,” her voice still low but more labored. The machine next to her was starting to beep in smaller intervals.

“Please try to hold on Marina, please.” I begged.

“Ev…everything…will be…okay.”

“No Marina, I can’t. I can’t do this without you.”

“You have each other. Teach,” she took another breath, “teach her like you taught me. Teach her that the world is a beautiful place, no matter the chaos.”

I sniffed squeezing her hand with both of mine. My sister was saying goodbye to me. The glow in her eyes started fading and her grip was going loose, “I love you both.”

“We love you Marina.”

The constant beeping stopped to make one loud, never ending ping. My sister’s body relaxed with one last breath. My world as I knew it was at a standstill. My vision went blurry, the walls began to disappear.

Lovers scene **18 and up only**

He has me cuffed to the bed so my hands can't touch him. My body is writhing underneath yours. Moaning for you to stop teasing me but you keep nibbling my neck and trial your tongue to my nipples/ Biting one and twisting the other with your fingers.. I cry out in utter ecstasy and you cup my wet hot folds and find my sensitive nub and begin to make small circles with your thumb. with each passing my hips buck. The circles you make pick up pace making my breath hitch and a low growl comes from the pit of your throat. you look up at me and say "you like that baby?" in the slow sexy voice of yours. When I lift my head to look at you you plunge your fingers into me making me a come here motion, tickling that sweet spot. "Fuck me" I say panting and pulling against my restraints. You give me a slow sexy grin, shake your head and lick your way down to my hot core. Emerging my clit with your tongue, flicking it back and forth. "mmm, you taste sweet" you tell me and lick again. You pull your fingers out of me and lift it to my lips. I lick it and taste myself on your hand. Once I sucked all of my flavor off your fingers you mesh your lips with mine, parting them with your tongue. I can still taste my musk on your mouth. Tasting that hint of myself makes me bite your bottom lip, you groan. I can feel your hard cock at my entrance, teasing me with every move your body makes. I open my legs wider welcoming the pleasurable pain that I'm about to endure/ "you ready baby?" you mumble against my lips. You nibble your way across my cheek, to my ear to my neck. Before I can answer you un-cuff me and impale me with your dick. Making me scream. I wrap my legs around your wait hanging onto for dear life. You plunge deeper and deeper. Your rock into me deep and slow lifting my legs higher and higher until they're resting on your shoulders. We both know we can't last long but we don't hold back either. My back arches with every thrust that you make. I finally find my release and scream your name, digging my fingers into your skin. You quicken the pace until you suddenly stop, pull out and lift me to flip over onto my knees. I whimper in the absence of the intense heat between my legs until I feel you plunge back into me. You start fucking faster and harder, grabbing onto my hips. I lift my ass up higher to feel you go deeper until I feel you grab the nape of my hair and pull until I hear you breath quicken and you whisper my name. I can feel the hot liquid fill me. We both are panting now. I slump onto my belly and you crash next to me and wrap me in your arms.

the end

Coming out...The other side of the confession

This story is for and about my brother. It's about what I was feeling on my side. I would love for him to give me insight which will come later but this is mine. When my brother was little he was always sensitive to certain stuff, here I thought he was a cry baby when no there was a battle going on in his mind. I didn't know what his deal was when he was in 8th grade. He wouldn't talk to anyone about what he was feeling. He closed everyone off. I was a senior in high school at the time and I remember sitting at my bus stop crying because my mother asked if Kevin was on drugs and I told her I don't think so. Then we got the horror that he was so depressed and he would commit suicide. The thought never left my mind to where I was crying every night praying that whatever haunted him would go away. I woke up one night to a noise of shuffling and I saw my brother taking big bags of clothes to our father's house. When I asked why he said that he couldn't take being around our mom. He and my mom never really saw eye to eye on certain stuff and Kev would take it to heart. The fighting and yelling was just so much he decided leaving would be the best. I cried that night too and called mom to tell her that her son moved out. After that night I kept wondering what was so wrong. Time went by where my mom and brother wouldn't talk and eventually Kev and I stopped talking too. I would stop by every now and then to see how he was doing but nothing longer than a few minutes. When Kev started high school I thought that would help with whatever was bothering him but it seemed he never wanted to talk about it. Then I got a phone call at 1 in the morning from our now step-brother Alex. He said he and Kevin wanted to do a McDonald's run and I said okay. I would get to see my little brother and I was bored anyway. After I picked them up, got our food and made it back to my dad's is when Alex said, "So Jamie, Kevin has something he wants to tell you." My brother cleared his throat and looked my square in the face and said "I'm gay." Those two words I thought I would never hear from my brother came at me like a freight train. Not saying it was bad at the time but it was just as surprising. I asked if dad knew and he said he did and everyone else at my dad’s house. They all accept it but he told me not to tell our mother for she was a very religious woman. Kevin was afraid that she would cast him out, never talk to him again, or dis-own him. The next year passed and I accepted my brother's life the way it was. He met some really great people like our friend Walter. Walter has been out of the closet for a while and he was my brother's first real boyfriend. I think he helped him understand that it's OK to be who you are and to always keep your head up. Kevin moved back home, I forget why he moved back, I think it was because all of his new friends were in walking distance from mom's house. My brother was still depressed because I learned that he was being bullied. I will never forget the night I was getting something fixed on my car and I used my dad’s car to pick Kevin up from band practice and he was in tears. He told me that the guys behind him kept kicking his chair and calling him "Faggot" and saying does he like it and would be complete assholes about it. They would push him and just make it to where my brother didn't want to go to school. I wrapped my arms around him because I was so sad, so angry. I wanted these boys to pay for making someone they don't even know feel like they are nothing. Our dad never really was the parent to go to the school and say 'hey these kids are bullying my son'. I was the mother figure since our mother worked at night and I was over the age of 18. I called myself the legal daytime guardian for him. Then after Kev and Walter broke up they stayed very close friends. My brother had 2 other guys in his life which they broke up too. Kevin was depressed about that and the sadder he was the more distant he was and my mom would question. She would ask if he's on drugs again and then the fighting happened again. Finally I got so sick of it one day and just said tell her already! It was starting to become a burden on me too. The day me and him decided that he should tell mom that he was gay he was so nervous. I was nervous. We didn't know what she was going to say or do. I drove myself to our dad's house and he rode with our mom and basically said "Mom I'm gay" He said he watched her face to see if she would be angry but she said "I kind of already knew" They hugged and that was it, until we got home and Kevin went out with friends. She told me what my brother said and I had to confess I already knew for 2 years. She didn't like that very much but me and Kev promised to never tell her our father knew before her. The reason why he knew first was because one, he was an atheist and didn't have a religion to throw in his face, and two, that's where my brother stayed for a year and a half. I kept telling my mother that this was a big thing for my brother and this is why he was so depressed that he had feelings for boys instead of girls. Our mother stayed in denial for a while saying it was phase and it would pass. It never did and I told her it wouldn't. We lost Walter to swine-flu in October of 2009 and it was heartbreaking, more for him than me. Like I said before Walter was always there for my brother, his first love, his first friend who understood what he was feeling. I talk to the people who have passed on even if I look like the crazy person I can feel them. I could feel Walter one day and said "Thank you. Thank you for helping Kevin when he needed it. Thank you for pushing him when he needed. Thank you for everything you could do." Kevin had a dream about Walter a few nights after the funeral had passed and it was him in the hallway at school hugging him and saying I'm okay. He told our mom and that's when she believed Walter was an angel and Kevin would stay the same for the rest of his life. And she loved him no matter what. What really bugs me is, now don't judge me I do believe in god and the devil but I'm not pushing this onto anyone, My mom told me Kev had another dream about Walter and they were standing on a cliff I think and Walter told Kevin, "Join me so we can be together." That unsettled I and I think he was in suck a low place at the time the devil saw that as an opportunity to come into his mind. My mom hugged Kevin and said "No, Walter would never ask you to join him when you have your own plan down here." Now it's the year of 2013 and I'm writing this. If you're asking yourself 'you did this without his permission' this is where you’re wrong. I did ask my brother if I could write this. Again this is from my side and I would have to sit down with him and ask then sit down with my dad step-mom and our mother to get their side, but this. This is mine. My brother has gone through so much since that day of fully coming out to everyone in his life. I am very proud of him for the person he is. Now that Kevin is 21 he is finally getting his life together. He has gone through some ups and downs. He still somewhat depressed but not as much since he has a steady job he loves, two, yes two men that take care of him. If you’re thinking it's disgusting just know, don't judge a book by its cover. I finally met these two saviors at the end of April and I have to say they were a lot of fun and the two coolest people I have met. My mother likes them a lot and so does Pat. Our aunt is still confused on how this relationship works but we figured we wouldn't explain. My brother can do that when he wants too. There are a couple things I want to tell them though, Thank you for helping him. Thank you for getting the help that he needs. Thank you for taking him in and just showing that there is more to love. My brother's life is no concern of anyone else’s; this is why I push equal rights and what not. Everyone should marry who they love, (And to you people saying oh so they can marry their sister right?) wrong, I'm not saying that. To be honest if you think about it we all started from somewhere and connected somehow, whether it be GOD giving us life or a microorganism, we are all connected...Anyway what I'm saying is that if you love them you have a right to marry them. For the very religious people, stop thinking your better than everyone around you. What is it that I was taught, oh yeah, GOD does not hate. He hates sin and being gay, lesbian, transgendered; bi-sexual is not a sin. I hate when people throw the bible at others and say this isn't right. First of all step back and look at yourself. You look ridiculous saying God said this and God said that. Show me where he hates people. Never says it anywhere. Never did the bible say HE hates. No, he loves everyone one of us. I believe there is a path were all travel but get distracted by something that can turn certain people evil. Like rapists and murderers. This is what I believe. I love my brother, I love my gay friends, and I love everyone. If they don't throw whatever at my face I won't do the same. That's why at my part time job, I tell everyone there, I love them even though some don't believe in God or a god. I tell them that I love them because they don't go, well your God's fake, and your God is blah blah. No they keep quiet and I don't throw my religion in their faces like some people do. I hate the people who walk up to me and say do you believe? And I reply yes, cuz I do, but if I'm standing next to a person who doesn't, they completely ignore them, which is rude and not what is right.
This goes out to people who are trying to understand what someone goes through when they want to come out or scared, or for the people that are trying to come out. Just know it's okay and you always have people who love you. If your family says they hate you, take yourself away from them. Move in with a friend or talk to someone. There is always someone who wants to listen, like I listen to my brother. I wish he still lived home so I can see him every day and have the fun that we used to have. This is my side of the story. Now what's yours?